A mother's sadness ....

Today (as in 11 Oct) my parents came picked Grace up at 8:15am. I did not join Grace in my dad's car. Infact, I drove alone to my parents place.

On the journey, I feel sudden sense of saddness and loss. I feel that my girl is drifting away from me ... she will be taken care by grandparents and maid instead of her own mother. Sometimes, come to think of it, it is really irony. In today's society, mother does not have the opportunity to take care of their own children. Coz they would have to work. Only when mothers grow old, they will help to take care of the grandchildren instead ... Are we defying the nature?

Actually nothing much happened when Grace were at grandparents place ... at least nothing worth mentioning ... but when she came home, she cried non-stop. We did all things to pacify her but nothing works. So sad :( She wasn't like that for the past few weeks when I was taking care of her (I have no intention to accuse anyone but when she cried for no reason and I can do nothing to pacify her, I feel both irritated and heartache. Especially when she had not cried so badly for a long time already).

Actually I really have serious thoughts of taking no pay leave to take care of Grace myself. But is that really what I want? Can I get use to the life of homemaker? Will I scold my hubby for not helping with the housework? Will I lose my dignity since I'm not contributing financially anymore? I still have so many doubts myself :(

Sometimes I really wish that I can talked to my hubby on this. But the quality time we spent together is so little. Every night, I will be busy settling Grace and by the time I had settled down hoping to talk to him, he will be either engrossed in surfing Net or watching TV or is already snoring his way to dreamland ...

To have a baby is a big adjustment to me. From month of June when baby arrived, in the first month, I had to adjust myself to be a new mother, bearing with the discomfort caused by the wound and accommodating the confinement lady. By the second month, I had to re-adjust myself to learn to take care of the baby myself. It takes me long to love my own baby. And by the time I had developed strong feeling with the baby, I had to "give up" the role as a mother and go back to work. Relationship with hubby seemed to be affected too .... partly attributed to my short temper .. and maybe he is unaware of how I feel emotionally and could not understand my short temper. He ever mentioned that he does not have his own time since the birth of baby ... that's why I would not want to disturb him when he is reading the blogs and watching TV ...

I wish that things will get better when I start work ... maybe all the sadness is just all in my mind ..